Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Like An Imperfect Dining Table? Then Cause As Much Damage As Possible!

Who likes the look of a brand new pristine and perfect dining table anyway? A few scratches, scuffs and scrapes make your dining table look a lot more interesting and will certainly make it one of a kind! If you want to get the “lived in” look for your table, here are some tips for how you can damage your table in a number of fun and effective ways. Your table will look hundreds of years old, in a matter of weeks!

Of course, if you have purchased a beautiful brand new dining table, such as the ones at and you don’t actually want to destroy it – then simply do the opposite of all the advice in this article!

Sun-Dried Wood

If you can, place your dining room table in a location where it will be subject to direct sunlight for most of the day. The high temperature and the UV light will do a great job of damaging the wood. It will help even more if you can put the table next to a fireplace or a radiator, as this will speed up the process of the wood splitting and warping. Also, if you can keep the humidity of the room below 40%, this will be the right condition for the wood to start to crack. It might take some time, but after a while the wood will start to discolour, warp and crack.

Scraping Off the Dirt

If your wooden table gets dusty, there is no need to use a soft damp cloth to clean it – a dry cloth or a scrub brush will do just fine and will leave an interesting scratch pattern in the surface of the wood. Don’t worry about rubbing in the direction of the grain, rubbing in all directions will create more scratches. If you really want to cause some serious permanent damage, try using a furniture polish that contains silicone and scrub with a rough abrasive pad.

Causing More Damage to the Surface

Here’s another fun way to damage your dining table – every time you cook something hot you can place the pot or the dish directly onto the wood. This will create some lovely burn marks that will really add visual interest and become a conversation piece. [“Look honey, remember that bean casserole we made back in September?”] Also, leaving a glass on the table without a coaster can result in beautiful water rings being imprinted into your table’s surface.

Another great way to cause a bit more damage is to place accessories on your table, such as decorative candles and lamps. Make sure that they have rough or sharp edges and that you don’t put a fabric or felt pad underneath them, as this would ruin the effect.

Using Solvents and Chemicals

Another great idea is to use your beautiful wood dining table as a place to get ready for a night out. Make sure that when you paint your nails, spray your hair and spritz your perfume, the nail vanish, hairspray and perfume gets on the surface of the table. These chemicals and solvents will react with the finish of the table, creating permanent damage.

Take Advantage of Your Little Helpers

If you have kids, they will make the job of destroying your table so much easier! Whether it’s with sticky jam-covered fingers, accidently colouring off the page or banging their toy dinosaurs on it, children have a natural talent for destroying beautiful wooden dining tables. Don’t put down placemats or tablecloths for them, as this will only slow down their artistic process. Just sit back and watch as they create a masterpiece of destruction – they really are quite effective! If you don’t have kids of your own, you can always invite over your nephews, nieces, grandchildren or the neighbourhood kids so that they can have a field day on your table.

These are just a few of the quick, fun and easy ways that you can absolutely destroy the surface of your dining table. However, if this is not your goal and you want to keep your table looking beautiful, now you know exactly what not to do.

Ben Grant is a freelance writer and blogger. He writes about home maintenance, décor and renovation and lives with his wife and two daughters.

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